tell me again how paranoia won’t save me.

One week into tapering off Savella, which would not have been possible save for my paranoid hoarding of medicines I’m prescribed, death is not yet preferable but an ax would be. Or dismemberment by train. I am disjointed as it is, a slow drip of water sieved out of noodles, legs that periodically go missing, arms I can find, but don’t want to, because there is an ache deep in my shoulders and armpits like excavation gone awry. A long probing finger wiggles for purchase behind my breastbone, poking me tachycardic, 137 bpm at rest. Side effects. If there is nothing good in the world any more, I’m supposed to remember that’s a side effect, too.

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consider this a warning.

I want you to know you’re killing me.

You always were. It isn’t news. But assume your postures of defense if you think I’m wrong. Tell me you’re protecting the economically disadvantaged in dire straits, stripped of health care because they can’t afford it, and what could I possibly know about that; and I promise, I promise, I won’t tell you in return how I teach a 4:4 load, tutor four hours a week, do freelance editing, and still have to ration out my doctor visits with a careful hand and weigh the costs of medication against the costs of my next meal. I won’t tell you how before ACA I had to ration physical therapy visits because of lifetime caps per body part and condition, or that I suffered pain like slow implosion for years before accepting a prescription that made life livable, because I couldn’t afford it. I won’t breathe a word about how all the proposed cuts, if I choose to live with them, will leave me with the kind of debt you can’t breathe through, like what ought to take your breath away, but won’t, the knowledge that millions like me or worse are imperiled by you.

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consolation prizes.

My to-do list is a mile long, so obviously I’m updating my blog. In my absence, I’ve been publishing creatively—check out my pieces in r.kv.r.y and DIAGRAM if you haven’t already followed all my buzz about it on Facebook or Twitter—reworking my novel for the final time, and teaching three courses, while attempting to read a book or two for that dissertation proposal I have to write, probably sooner than I’d like to. Besides all that, I’ll break down my life like this: Fuck you, American healthcare system; and fuck you, American system of education that accepts the semi-hazing process of working yourself to the bone to simultaneously finance a higher degree and survive; and fuck you, government standards of disability that indicate that if you are at all functional, you’re not in enough pain to qualify for anything.

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regression is realizing there is no escape.

Last year, a 20-year-old man named Michael Israel committed suicide after battling addiction to painkillers. His father, Senator Tim Kennedy, and Attorney General Eric Schneiderman blamed the system, ultimately proposing a legislative package to “Save the Michaels of the world.” Thus, in an effort to crack down on prescription drug abuse, namely over-prescribing on the part of physicians, New York State enacted the I-STOP (Internet System to Track Over-Prescribing) Act one year ago. It takes effect on August 27th, along with its Prescription Monitoring Program (PMP), which apparently insecurely records, tracks, and transmits patients’ medication histories, dates of attempted and dispensed refills, and so on.

Somehow I missed this memo until yesterday, when I was confronted with the ugly reality that, thanks to I-STOP, I can’t get a refill prescription until after the new system takes effect.

In its overzealous quest to save the Michaels of the world, the State has blatantly chosen to ignore the undue burdens placed on those who medicate responsibly, and with all the hardships it already places on patients and providers, why am I surprised?

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