In 2008, I finished my M.F.A. amidst the disarrangements of fibromyalgia (FMS) and chronic fatigue (ME/CFS), hard-won diagnoses I received in my fourth semester after 1.5 years of debilitating symptoms. Completing my M.F.A. was an exercise in relentless experimentation: with what I was writing, how to sustain a writing practice, how to tactically survive in academia, how I was medically and socially treated.
By 2011, I’d been teaching first-year writing for five years when I presented as an independent scholar at Computers & Writing for the first time and realized there was a place for my disparate interests in digital aggression, interactive narrative, digital storytelling, and decolonial praxis.
I started my Ph.D. program that fall, with the goal of studying trolling and digital cunning, and with minor, manageable medical disruptions, until my appendix began (unbeknownst to me) chronically perforating in January 2014. It’s a familiar chorus: no one believed that something was wrong. While internally leaking and fusing, I saw doctors; I commuted, taught, read, wrote; I passed my qualifying exams; I went on the job market; I designed new courses.
In September, it fully ruptured. I wrote my will and waited for a death that never came. I got up the next day and resumed working, until I found a physician three weeks later who sent me to the ER.
Even then, I was told it couldn’t be appendicitis; I wasn’t in enough pain. Another familiar chorus, along with this one: I got lucky. The surgeon on rotation was South Asian American, understood fibromyalgia, and agreed to an exploratory laparoscopy, which ended up being life-saving. I woke up with a belly of scar tissue. Everyone whose hands I passed through to arrive at that point said, impressed, “I don’t know how you’re alive.”
After that, my bodymind demanded renewed hypervigilance. I was in survival mode, and my doctoral studies seemed irrelevant. Again, I got lucky: with an advisor who allowed me to start over, and to forge my path and dissertation intuitively. And so, I brought my earlier research focuses to my new interests in disability studies, medical rhetoric, cultural studies, and affect theory, and I let my composition process stray further and further from traditional scholarship. Eventually, this work brought me to the diasporic-disabled praxis and ethos of care I bring to my composition practice, my pedagogy, and my disability justice work in and out of academia.